


Deserving

by thelittlestpurplecat



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Stucky - Freeform, Touching, aborted smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 23:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3400535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlestpurplecat/pseuds/thelittlestpurplecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve deserves the world. He deserves so much more then Bucky's been able to give him. He knows that Steve still craves the intimacy they shared in the forties. He know Steve is still starved for his touch. He deserves this...who is Bucky to deny him that on account of something so trivial as Bucky's consent?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deserving

In the two years since the apprehension of The Winter Soldier, Bucky had made progress that Steve could have never dared to hope for. At first, he’d been cold, and erratic. He would be silent and withdrawn until the moment someone would try to reach out to him before lashing out like a wounded animal. Everyone, particularly Steve, had taken injuries at his hands. Still, Steve was insistent that Bucky was not to be imprisoned. He would see to his care personally, not mater how many injuries he had to take. Over the months though, Bucky stopped lashing out. His aggression, spurred by a lifetime of fear, and torture, cooled. His guard lowered. Bucky grew more open, and allowed himself a certain measure of trust. Steve took every little victory he could get. He clung to the first time Bucky made full eye contact with him, the first time he called him Steve. The first time that he’d seen Bucky smile lived in his memory as a tiny, glowing hope that Bucky could still be the man he remembered. Steve celebrated every day that he could walk close to him without him flinching away. He remembered the first time Bucky had allowed Steve to wrap him in a gentle hug. That was all Steve could have _ever_ dreamed to hope for, and yet Bucky’s progress continued to stun him.

 

After a little over a year, Bucky began seeking out Steve’s affection. He took to curling in beside him on the couch. He took to absently running his fingers across Steve’s back when they ate dinner in their shared apartment. He slept with his chest pressed to Steve’s back. And on a wet, dreary day in March, Bucky told Steve, for the first time in seventy years, that he loved him.

 

Steve had never been happier. Even with everything that Bucky still struggled with, their life, their now shared life, was good. Bucky continued to recover. Steve helped him as best he could. He balanced their days between exposure to others, and privet time in the evenings when Bucky could relax, and drop his guard. During their quiet nights in, they watched movies, catching up on popular films that they had missed. They lay, curled up in each other’s arms, Bucky snuggling closer as they exchanged tender kisses. Of course, it was Bucky who called all the shots in the relationship. Steve was completely content to let him control the pace. Still, he soaked in whatever timid, new form of intimacy Bucky was willing to share with him. For the most part, their expressions of affection had been fairly tame. Bucky’s hands seldom strayed away from Steve’s neck, or waist. In turn, Steve only ever let his hands rest were Bucky was comfortable with them. Still, he craved Bucky’s touch. He was starved for the intimacy that they shared in the forties, but Bucky’s comfort came first, before _anything_ else.

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 

Damp red lips drug down the length of Steve’s neck as Bucky’s wet mouth worked at the soft skin. His tongue pressed over his pulse point, the pressure dragged a breathless gasp from his lover. Steve fumbled with the front of Bucky’s jeans, hasty, and eager. He’d been delighted, and mildly alarmed when Bucky had dragged Steve back against him after a tender pick on the lips. He'd pulled him against himself, crushing their mouths together as his hands slid down to his waist. It had been unexpected, and _wonderful_. Steve hadn’t _dared_ to hope that Bucky would one day be comfortable having sex with him, and yet here they were. Their shirts were long discarded, and Bucky’s mouth working hungrily at his neck as Steve yanked his jeans off. His hands were shaking with anticipation, hot blood pounding around his body.

 

"Bucky-" Steve gasped helplessly, the other man’s weight heavy over top of him. Bucky drew level with his mouth, cutting off the sound with a deep kiss. Warmth pool in Steve’s stomach, spreading outward, prickling through every inch of his body. This was actually happening! Bucky was here, he was his, and he loved him.

 

The blond reached up, wrapping a strong arm around the back of Bucky’s neck and holding him close as he rolled over. Bucky shifted, his movements compliant as he rolled over.  He dropped back, letting Steve straddle his muscular thighs, letting his hands explore his body. Steve traced patterns over his chest and ribs, his touch feathering across his hips before he allowed one hand to slip under the thin material of his boxers.

 

Bucky stifled a gasp, determined to remain silent. Steve’s fingers grazed his member, uncertain, before growing more confident. He curled his fingers around the length of his cock, his strokes firm, and even. His hand slid along Bucky’s length before his grip tightened at the head, Steve’s wrist twisting to send a burn of friction through his body. Bucky swallowed hard, his stomach swooping at the sensation, but he blocked it out. The dark hair man closed his eyes, trying to will away the knots in his stomach. Steve deserved this. He’d already been kinder…more loving…more patient then he deserved. He’d done _so_ much for him…Steve should be able to have _whatever_ he wanted. Who was Bucky to ask him to wait?

 

Steve’s eyes had dragged down the length of his body, his gaze locked on his hand. He couldn’t seem to get enough of the way it looked wrapped around Bucky’s cock. He drank in the sight of the flushed head peeked between his fingers with each stroke. “You’re _beautiful_ …” Steve breathed, stooping for just a moment to press a light kiss to Bucky’s stomach.

 

The dark haired man bit back a groan, and Steve froze.

 

It had been quiet, barely there, but Bucky’s tiny noise of distress turned Steve’s stomach sour. “Bucky?” He asked, his voice low, and soft as he withdrew his hand and moved level with him.

 

Bucky’s eyes snapped open, meeting Steve’s concerned gaze. “What?” He asked shortly, trying to cover for his mistake. Steve shouldn’t have to worry. He should be able to relax, and enjoy himself, he should be able to have what he wanted without Bucky distracting him….

 

"Are you okay?" Steve’s words were level, and serious, his gaze boring into Bucky’s.

 

His mouth felt dry, and sticky, Bucky’s pulse racing under his skin, yet he forced his words to be even. “Yeah, fine,” He murmured, staring up at him. Steve’s face was drawn with concern, and uncertainty, and Bucky felt his stomach twist. He was failing his mission. Reaching up, Bucky drew Steve into an abrupt kiss. His bionic hand cradled the back of his neck, drawing him closer. The fingers of his right curled around Steve’s wrist, tenderly guiding his hand back to his cock. “I’m fine…” he whispered into the kiss, nuzzling against him, coxing Steve to take him in his hand once more. “I’m fine…I want this…want _you_ -“

 

Steve sunk into the kiss, his momentary panic at the thought of having hurt Bucky ebbing at his reassurance. The thought of pushing Bucky made Steve instantly nauseous. He loved him. He loved him more than _anything_ , and Steve wanted only what Bucky was comfortable giving to him. “Mmmhhh…m’kay…” He murmured, the words coming out thick, and stilted between Bucky’s soft kisses. “Jus-Just checking-” 

 

Bucky managed a tiny nod before he caught Steve’s mouth in a heated kiss. He couldn’t let himself slip like that again… In an easy, deft movement Bucky yanked Steve’s jeans off of his hips. The other man gasped as the material dragged roughly against his sensitive cock. He groaned, turning his face in against Bucky’s neck.

 

"B- _Mmmmhhh_ …." The strangled little gasp trailed off in a moan of pleasure. Steve pressed deeper into the crook of his neck, and despite the churning unease in the pit of his stomach, Bucky felt a thrill of warmth. Steve’s pleasure was all he wanted. " _Bucky_ -" The other man panted shortly, laving kisses against the exposed skin of his throat. His gentle hands slid away, moving to tug Bucky’s boxers the rest of the way off his hips, leaving his skin bare, and cold. In a moment, he’d slipped out of his own shorts, tossing them aside, as he eased closer. His naked body pressed against Bucky’s, soaking in the intimate contact.

 

Bucky choked back a whine, his eyes screwed shut, grateful that Steve’s face was still tucked in the crook of his neck. He was grateful he could, at least in some way, release some of the horrible, building anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

 

Steve went suddenly still.

 

Bucky’s blood went cold, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. Steve pushing himself up onto his elbows, staring down at him, wide-eyed and searching. "Bucky-" He started, his brow drawing into a frown. "Buck, I don’t think…"

 

"I told you I’m fine." His words were sharp, and desperate, cutting over Steve in a rush of panic. The moment they fell from his lips, Bucky knew they were a mistake. Steve’s frown didn’t ease; it darkened, his lover's expression growing deeply unsettled.

 

"No…" He murmured, his deep voice rumbling in his chest, and Bucky blinked staring up at him.

 

"No?" Bucky presses, his throat tightening, "No what? I’m-"

 

"No, Bucky, you’re _not_ fine." Steve interrupted, pushing himself off of the other man’s heaving chest, his bare feet hitting the floor. "You’re freaked out, and you’re doing your fucking hardest to hide it, but you’re _not_ okay with this."

 

The dark haired man bolted up after him, scrambling out of bed and lunging for his arm. His metal fingers curled around Steve’s firm bicep, stopping him in his tracks. Bucky dragged him around, pressing against his chest, hands catching at the back of his neck in desperation. “No- No, Steve- I’m _fine_ , I _want_ to- I- I’ll do better-” He stammered, moving in to drag him into a heated kiss, but Steve stopped him. His hands slid up between them, catching Bucky’s jaw, cradling it in his palms.

 

" _Bucky_ -" He breathed raggedly, his lover’s eyes locked on his swollen lips, watching the way they formed his name. "Bucky look at me." Steve pleaded, and he dragged his gaze up to meet Steve’s, the movement laced with reluctance. His baby blue eyes were seared with hurt, laced with pain and sympathy. He cradled Bucky’s face in his hands, holding him close, like he was something worth value. "You don’t have to do _better_ …" Steve whispered, easing forward. "You’re doin’ just fine…Bucky, I’m so proud of you, _so_ proud of all the progress you’ve made…" Steve continued, easing closer until he closed the distance between them, his forehead pressing against his. "I _love_ being able to kiss you…I _love_ that you’re comfortable sleeping in the same bed as me, and that you’re not afraid when I hug you anymore…but you’re _not_ comfortable with this…"

 

Bucky’s lips parted helplessly, the feeble words of protest dying on his lips.

 

"I don’t want _anything_ that you’re not willing to give to me…"

 

The lump in Bucky’s throat felt like rock, wedged in his windpipe, preventing him from speaking. His body was freezing, the cold sweat that had broken out as Steve had drawn away from him having cooled on his skin. He didn’t deserve Steve's comfort…he deserved to be punished. “I’m…willing…” He managed, almost unable to force the choked words past the block in his throat. “You _deserve_ this…”

 

A soft sound of distress slipped from Steve’s lips and he cradled Bucky closer, his hands moving to draw him against his chest. He held him there for a long moment, his chest tight, voice too weak to speak. Slowly, Steve parted his lips, nuzzling against the side of his neck. “ _But you don’t want to_.”

 

The horrible guilt churning in Bucky’s stomach surged. How could he not want Steve? He loved him. How could he not want Steve to have every part of him? It shouldn’t scare him. _Why_ did it still scare him? A bitter sob tore, unbidden through Bucky’s body, the dark haired man suddenly doubling forward. He pressed his face into Steve’s shoulder, trembling hands coming up to grip at his bare back. The harsh metal of his left hand pressed marks into Steve's flushed skin. Bucky bit back another sob, refusing to let it pass his lips. He stood there, silent, and shaking, clinging to Steve, and the toxic feeling of failure surged through his system.

 

Steve gathered Bucky close, holding him against him, whispering soothing words into his ear. He wished Bucky would allow himself more then _one_ , bitter sob. He wished he let himself cry, and release all the pent up pain, and hurt, and fear that he kept bottled up inside of him. But Steve knew he wouldn’t. Bucky had been conditioned to be emotionless for too long to allow himself to cry easily. This much in itself was a miracle. So Steve just cradled him in his arms, holding him and murmuring words of comfort until the tremors that shook his body subsided.

 

Steve eased back with care, his hands moving to sooth over Bucky’s sweaty hair, smoothing it even. Bucky’s expression had gone cold and closed, his steely eyes fixed just over Steve’s shoulder. Red rimmed his lower lids, but his cheeks were bone dry. Steve’s chest tightened with sympathy, and he laid a feather-light kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Come here,” He whispered, voice hushed as his thumb brushed across his cheek, soft, and reassuring. He led Bucky back over to the bed, his hand resting on his tensed shoulder.

 

Bucky followed, silent, and obedient, following Steve without protest. When they reached the edge of the bed, Steve slid away, turning to the dresser. He stooped, pulling out two pairs of sweatpants, something soft, something comfortable. “Here,” He murmured, laying one of the soft squares of fabric in Bucky’s hands and slipping into the other. Bucky complied mechanically, eyes lowered as he followed Steve’s instructions. Bucky worried Steve when he was like this. He was silent, compliant, and utterly submissive. It concerned him that Bucky would do as he asked without comment or reason. It was like he’d given up, like he couldn’t do what he’d wanted for Steve so he would obey him without question instead. Steve _hated_ it. It made him feel like Bucky’s handler, rather than his lover…his friend…

 

Once Bucky had slipped into the sweatpants, Steve laid a gentle hand against his elbow, catching his attention. “Buck?” He asked, purposefully waiting, wanting Bucky to acknowledge him, say something to him.

 

The dark haired man lifted his chin, but didn’t quite make eye contact. His eyes looked glassy, and distant.

 

Steve’s stomach gave a twist of pity, and he reached out, touching under Bucky’s chin, lifting his gaze level. “ _Bucky,_ ” He pressed, the question definite, unavoidable.

 

Bucky’s tongue slid out, moistening his flushed red lips, as he reluctantly met his lover’s gaze. “Yes?” He managed, and Steve’s expression relaxed at the sound of his voice.

 

"Do you…maybe just want to cuddle for a while?"

 

Unexpected warmth flooded in Bucky’s stomach. He swallowed, meeting Steve’s gaze with a touch more confidence. This was something he could do, something he _wanted_ as much as Steve seemed to. A brief, tentative smile touched the corners of Bucky’s mouth as he eased back towards the bed. “Yeah-” He murmured softly. “Yeah, okay…”

 

At the sight of Bucky’s tiny smile, Steve felt the knot of guilt and pity inside him unwind. He followed Bucky’s lead, easing on to the bed and dragging the covers up over the two of them. It took a little shifting and squirming, but both eventually found a comfortable possession. In the end, Bucky ended up with his face tucked into the crook of Steve’s neck, arms twined around his waist. Steve lay, half on his side, with his lips nestled against Bucky’s hair. One hand stroked the back of his neck while the other resting, warm, and reassuring, on his waist.

 

Steve edged closer, cautious not to disrupt his lover’s possession. With a slight tip of his head, Steve bent, pressing an adoring kiss into Bucky’s hair. He breathed in his scent, savoring his heavy weight on the mattress beside him. “Bucky?” He whispered, and this time, Bucky didn’t respond like the Asset, he responded like a human being.

 

The brunet pressed closer, nuzzling deeper against his neck. His breath ghosted, hot across Steve’s skin as he sighed. “Yeah Stevie?” He murmured, the gears in his arm whirring and humming as he repositioned.

 

Steve wet his lips, his thumb grazing below his boyfriend’s ear. “If you ever w…” He started, before pausing, rearranging the words in his mind. “Bucky, If you think you’re ready to try something like this again, let’s talk about it first okay?” He pressed, his words serious, and insistent, before he granted him a little smirk. “I don’t mind sacrificing a little spontaneity if it means I can make sure you’re ready.” 

 

This gave Bucky pause, and he rested against Steve’s neck, silent for a long moment before parting his lips to speak. “I… _want_ to do this with you Steve…” He murmured.

 

The soft statement was met by the soft laugh from Steve, who reached down, guiding Bucky’s face level with his. “ _Believe me_ , I do to. But you’re not ready for this, so that means _we’re_ not ready for it as a couple either.” He assured him, before leaning in to lay a soft kiss to Bucky’s mouth.

 

Bucky responded without hesitation, returning the kiss with a quiet thoughtfulness. He allowed his eyelids to fall closed, drinking in the sensation of Steve’s open, honest affection. He allowed his body to relax, and allowed his mind to let go of his guilt. It was going to take Bucky time to adjust. He still wished he could pleasure Steve. He wanted to give him the intimacy he knew he so missed, the intimacy he remembered them sharing before. But he was learning to accept Steve’s unconditional affection. He was beginning to finally grasp that Steve wanted nothing from him, and that he didn’t feel entitled to anything for caring for Bucky.

 

"Steve?" The brunet asked, his voice barely above a whisper as he broke the kiss.

 

Steve hummed softly, nuzzling against Bucky’s cheek, as he pressed one more, brief kiss to his lips. “What is it?” He murmured.

 

"I like this…"

 

Steve felt his chest warm with affection and he curled in closer. His fingers tangled through the hair at the base of Bucky’s neck as his free hand came up to stroke his cheeks. “Me too…” He whispered, brushing a tender kiss over Bucky’s closed eyelids. “Me too…”

 


End file.
